Sometimes, I wonder if I am living in a dream. One day, I’ll wake up and wonder where I am. I get days like that, when I wonder if this all real and not just another one of my fantasies. I do wonder why my life is this way and what I’m learning from all this.

I heard this one line while watching The O.C. tonight and it really made me think, “I’m living someone else’s dream”. It feels like life is taking me too fast through this never-ending roller coaster ride and it doesn’t end. It just starts over again. Growing up, it was the slow climb up the hill and my life is moving so fast, my head is spinning.

It’s been almost 6 years since school and I’ve been doing this for the last 6 years. I’ve been away from home for the last 9 years and that’s almost 1/3 of my life. Is this really what’s meant for me? I have planned my life before and it really never works out when I plan things. I’ve let things go its natural ways and occassionally, I like to take a peek at the curve ahead, kinda like cheating to see what’s next.

What is next? It’s just another one of life’s mysteries right?

I turn 28 in a few weeks and yes, it’s crazy to think that I’m at a stage in my life that I really need to start thinking about myself more. As I get older, I find myself forgetting a lot of details in my life. I don’t remember what happened a week ago anymore. I used to be able to remember things so vividly that I could tell you what color of socks I was wearing that day. It’s usually white, so that’s easy.

Ah, my birthday is just another day that I hate. Almost nothing good comes out of it. It never has and it never will. It is a day that I have grown to hate. I don’t hate getting old, I just hate it because I can remember it being the day that really sucked. Every year I wish that it would not and it would change but year after year, it’s just a bad day.

So, on my birthday, don’t wish me happy birthday but instead, just give me that look that you know what a day it is for me and not even say it. It’s not a day that I want to remember or look forward to.

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Okay, I heard back from Powderhorn Art Fair this August – I didn’t get in. So, I guess Chicago will be my only art show this year, unless a miracle happens.

So, it’ll be another weekend that I’ll spend looking at other people’s art, like the last one…

And so, my photography is like a collection for a private collector – me.

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So, there isn’t really a last word with me. I’ll always think of something. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy and I’m thinking of my McGirl.

If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll understand what I mean – McGirl is the woman that you should be with but circumstances prevent you from being together.

8 years ago, I met someone amazing. We understood each other quite well. Then, I met someone else and I let things drift apart between us. When that someone didn’t work out, I found myself with my friend again – talking once again. Not at that same level that we were before but we still talk.

No, she’s not McGirl today. So what’s different today? Well, I didn’t do my part on being a good friend and let things slip between us and now she’s with someone else in a different place.

The McGirl today is someone else, in case you’re wondering. It’s funny how I find myself in the same damn situation all over again.

To be continued (if I can remember what started this blog)…

Read the rest of this entry »

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If my psychiatrist friend Wynn reads my blogs this weekend, she’d probably say that I’m quite depressed. She says that I write a lot when I’m feeling down.

I’m definitely going for a record here. I lost count on how much I’ve blogged. I’m getting a lot of it out of my head though. I haven’t been sleeping well in the last few days – too many damn things in my head.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, as Vix puts it. It’ll start with a clean slate.

If there’s a weekend for me to disappear, this should have been it. I would have been pissed that I missed the Art Crawl weekend. It’s one of the two weekends that I look forward to every year. Since I’ve lived in the Twin Cities, I’ve been to the Art Crawl every spring.

I’ve also gone to the Uptown Art Fair every year. I might miss this year if I get into Powderhorn. Though it is looking like I won’t because I should have heard back by now (and the check would have cleared). So, that’s another thing to put into this weekend’s shit list.

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The weekend is almost over but as dramatic as my day goes, some things can still go wrong.

I took this picture on Friday. It’s not a great picture, in fact the exposure was bad and the picture is somewhat washed out. I think it’s quite appropriate about how I feel at the moment.

My photography is meant to capture the moment, and hopefully expresses a mood. Well, this picture was taken at a time when I was feeling down and lonely. That’s me by myself in a big world behind me.

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Here’s another lament of what I should be doing..

I should be driving a 350Z but instead I’m driving a G6.

I should be living in a loft downtown but instead I’m living in a 2-story house in Woodbury.

I should be studying for GMAT but instead I’m figuring out 100 other things that I shoudl be doing.

I should be catching up on my sleep but instead I find ways of not sleeping.

I should be doing a lot of other things but instead I find myself thinking about things.

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I was completely edge and jumpy when I got up this morning. I did what I said – didn’t check my email (should have) and went and got some furniture. Got a couple of coffee tables for 2 rooms and I think I should be good.

Got back, realized that I should have checked my email earlier, so that I could give directions (again) for the photo shoot today, the photo shoot ended up being cancelled.

With me being so edgy, I went to the Art Crawl for the second time. Saw a couple of cool photos and a couple of cool paintings. I also saw this cool loft that really felt like me. Once I get it, I’d probably find reasons why I don’t like it anymore. My current home is fine – just a little too far away from everything else. I’ll start to like it again once the grass is green and the flowers have bloomed.

I’m back, assembled the furnitures and now my edginess has gone down to an acceptable level. I’ll get some Malaysian food tonight and I should be perky at night. I didn’t have a proper lunch today, which may explain why I’m a little edgy…

I am a little less edgy now but I’m starting to feel a little depressed. This is also the time that I feel most creative and most into my work… Work seems to take my mind off things that I shouldn’t be thinking about.

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Okay, this is supposed to be a great weekend but it turned really crummy. Didn’t get the time of day on Friday, no date this Saturday, ruined 2 mats and a mat cutter, didn’t get to meet the person that I wanted to talk to at the Crawl, photo shoot got cancelled and wow, can this weekend get any worse?

I’m listening to Prodigy right now – Firestarter, Breathe, Smack My Bitch Up – all great tunes that really brings out the edge in me…

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It’s Saturday night and I’m home. I was expecting to have been a fun night out in town so there’s slight disappointments already. Typically, I’d be depressed right about now. I can’t say that I’m completely perky either.

It’s 1am and I’m tired. My eyes are really tired. This evening, I managed to swim 10 full laps without taking a break. I didn’t stop at the 10 laps, I went to 15 laps this evening. I paced myself well. I could have gone to 20 if I wanted to but I don’t have anything to prove. Got a little edge that I needed to take off from today.

So, the question is which came first – the swim or the bad framing experience? So, did the good balance the bad?

I’m tired so what else is new. I’d probably wake up around 8am and if I do, I’m not checking my emails. I’m going out. I should probably get that mirror or that coffee table.

I think after meeting Melissa (the girl who sold me my G6 and Fred’s Z3), I will start a new thing for myself: 2 invite rule – if I invited you to 2 events and you said you would but didn’t, well,… that’s the last invite ever – no matter how cute or hot you are. We’re not in high school anymore – if you can’t make it or have no intentions on making it, don’t say that you will.

I’ve met a few Melissas recently and I’ve had enough of it.

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Tonight, I framed and matted a few photos. One was a custom sized frame so I had to cut the mat to size. I think I did okay but it definitely could have been better.

I then worked on a second frame, with a standard sized mat. Well, what started as a standard mat turned disastrous. I glued the wrong side of the mat and now that mat is ruined. Okay, so I got another mat out and started marking the edges. Turned out I marked on the wrong side so that mat is also ruined.

What the fuck? I’m quite edgy today. It’s definitely showing in what I do. What would have been a fun weekend turned into a nightmare. I’m going to find something else to do tonight…

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